12:46 p.m. - 2006-02-06
My Honest Place
This is my honest place. No one knows of it. I will never post a picture of myself. I will give anyone in my life that I mention a nickname so it can't be tied back to my main blog. This is my journey. To start with it is my journey to get sober. I have had a great need over the last few years to have a private place where I can say what I need to without ruining my reputation at my regular blog.
I've had a need to say things about my BF that I don't want my mother or other family to read.
I need a place to empty the garbage without disappointing anyone or getting critisized for being who I am at this point in my life.
Last night was the first time I went to bed sleepy and not passed out from booze in a very long time, maybe years, probably years, maybe 2002 when I had a heath problem, definitely since 2003 when I was divorced. I didn't sleep well but I did catch a few hours. I had a few drinks but not enough to pass out. I was at my BF's place and he understands that I drink to sleep but he doesn't undertsand why. He is one of the reasons I am trying this again. I love him and I don't want to die. I don't want to get sick and lose him. I have a shot at being happy again. I want it but drinking like this will kill me.
Tonight I think I will be tired enough to go to sleep without drinking myself into a coma. I have half a bottle of booze left. Will I be strong enough to throw it out? Or will I puss out and tell myself I can have "just one drink" each night until the bottle is gone? How strong will the craving be by tonight?
I'm hoping that it won't be that strong and that I can do it. I also have to start making plans for supper. If I'm not going to drink my calories and let the booze hide the hunger pains then I have to prepare something to eat that won't pack on the pounds.
I can no longer kid myself. I can't ever have just one. I am an alcoholic. I must quit. I will cross every boundary for as long as I can if I have just one. I must quit for good.
God Help Me!
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