9:56 a.m. - 2006-02-07
First Night of Sleep Sober
I'm so proud of myself. This is a major hurdle. I went to sleep last night without booze or passing out. I was too tired to even stay awake fpor medium. I tiVoed it and went to bed. I tried to finish Monster by Kellerman but I just couldn't do it. My eyes were drooping and tired. I slept from 10:00 until 2:47 and I thought that would be it so I just lay there and the next thing I know the 5AM alarm is going off and then the 5:30 and I just can't wake up. I got up at 6:30 an our late. I felt GREAT! and so HAPPY! I DID IT! I can feel my mind coming back already. I'm much more alert.
Now that I know I can sleep I dumped the rest of the liter down the sink. I was going to save it to give to my daughter for guests but it's like keeping a loaded gun around when you are a killer. The temptation might be too much later despite how strong I feel now.
I had my first dream in a very long time .. maybe years. I dreamt that I met the Ex for the first time with the lying bitch he left me for. She actually wanted to make friends and be nicey nicey so she could show up at family functions without a problem. Well in my dreams that ain't gonna happen. I told her that she ruined my life and that when I begged her to stop that she wouldn't. She was a family and home wrecker and she wasn't a good person at all and I wouldn't shake her hand. Ron started following me around to try to appease me as she cried but I said my piece and I meant it. I wasn't going to try to make that bitch feel better and I didn't have to in my dreams.
It was a wise decision to keep this to yourself. I'm tired of having to be politically correct even in my dreams or face critisism and desparagement for feeling like I really do in my main blog. Readers are nice but they suck too. Especially when you get about 100 diffrent people you are trying to please. That sucks. I quit. This is my real place from now on. The one for just me.
I am sober one full day and I feel triumphant. I will face the hurdle of non-drinking with teh BF this weekend but we have limited face time this weekend becuz I babysit Saturday and we go someplace this Sunday.
I can't wait for sex to get better again not that it was bad but I can't come when I'm drunk so I fake it because I was always drunk it seemed and he'd feel like he wasn't pleasing me when it was my fault.
This morning I had massive diahrea that kept me from leaving for work for about 20 minutes. My eyes still leak and wash off my eye make up and I have to redo it before I leave the house. I lost the typical 2 pounds of water overnight and not the yo-yo amounts that I was when I was dieting and drinking that approached 5 pounds overnight from dehydration so that I never knew what I lost.
If I don't drink at night I need to eat the calories I was using for booze for supper. The booze killed the hunger pains so I could replace food with booze. Now I need to plan to eat. I bought some stuff and it was soooo good to eat again an dwake up feeling so good. I have to plan to for lots of sleep until my body starts functioning normally again. It hasn't entered proper deep REM sleep inn years and that prevented alot of healing.
I think my hep c and osteoporosis were direcly affected by my drinking and maybe the breast cancer too. I might have to expect mood swwings now that my estrogen will drop. I hope my liver become less fatty too. I didn't know that booze calories were stored in the liver instead of the muscles like normal calories are. I can't believe I did this after so long. It was just the right set of sircumstances like when I stopped smoking. They may never come again. I waited years for this one. It may be my last chance. I have to make sure I make it this time.
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