10:35 a.m. - 2006-02-08
To Remeber
I know from past experience that the longer I stay sober the more I will forget how insidious and addicting it can get and I will be tempted to have "just one". Because of this I want to be very clear in my first days what it was and is like. First I want to emphasize how grateful to God I was waking up this morning. I dreamed. What I remember is silly but one of the things I did last night was put on a pair of pants who's cream color had a reddish cast ever since I washed it in bleach when it said not to. I went looking for things that might match it and I cam upon a red paisley Nehru jacket. I dreamed if the printed jacket. It was mass produced and hanging everywhere but with cloth defects strange enough. I remember thinking that I was lucky that mine was good and wondering how they expected to sell these rejects, all the while knowing that somebody would buy them anyways. I know that Ron was in my dreams too. I'm not over that yet but the pain has lessened enough to let my subconscious loose now.
It's so nice to go to bed tired, even if I took a melatonin to be sure and wake up rested and be able to get up on time. It's nice to dream and feel healed. Today my eyes stopped leaking already. They've had some kind of fungus or bacteria or infection that was encouraged by lowering my resistance through booze. I feel mentally calmer & sharper, more alert and physically steadier on my feet.
I feel like a more worthwhile human being and not ashamed at my secret sin that was killing me and giving me cancer and osteoporosis and probably liver failure and liver cancer soon. I was on a downhill slide and I felt it. I feel old now and not as young and healable as I once was. I feel good about myself that I am taking good care of myself again so that I can last longer.
But it's not just me. Some power greater than myself brought this timing and strength on and I thanked God this morning and yesterday morning before I got up and I was grateful for the new sober day. I told Jack I quit drinking. He is the first person that I know in person that I told. Now I have expectations when I am with him but it's not a problem because he encourages me. He would never tell me that I was more fun when I drank like Johnny B did or my Ex implied and left me behind because I wasn't getting fucked up with him anymore. He didn't criticize. He just left me behind. But then again he did that anyhow even when I was willing to get f'd up with him. It was the new coke women he wanted back then and I suppose ever after that.
He called last night for info on that had been mailed to me for taxes about lobstering. He tells me he was happier lobstering and his truck is off the road for money problems and that he had a bad week. I asked him if he'd been arrested lately and he said no but only because he had no life anymore. I said, but you weren't arrested, see? You *are* better off. I hope the hell he's learning just how much I helped him, loved him, took care of him, the sacrifices I made to do it. I loved him so much. Here it is 2 years later and I'd still take him back even after all the betrayal and hurt. We spent too many years together to not be a part of each other. I hope time changes that with Stewart because honestly he's a better man despite his set ways and tantrums. I want and deserve a man more like that.
Work is improving in that I'm actually doing some even if it turns out to be half days sometimes. That's 100% more than I was doing or was capable of doing. I sucked and couldn't understand simple orders and was so afraid to let it show that I was incapable of doing my job competently anymore. I certainly couldn't learn anything new or interact with other people. I was too afraid of being found out that I oozed booze and had red rimmed eyes. Sue even mentioned that people were just assuming that I was partying too much. It shows even when you try to hide it. People know and I don't think they believed it wen I said that I was on new meds. I certainly wasn't the bouncy, smiley, try anything, I'm game, girl that I am only three days sober
Diane what I want you to remember is that you can't stop drinking once you start. This last ride lasted YEARS you spluttered here and there but you tried to stop back when the Ex left you early 2004. You were so messed up you couldn't stay in the meeting. You tried to stop 2005. You couldn't stay in the house you were so desperate to prove that you could get out there and find lovers and friends and have things to do and see. You wanted to prove that you weren't alone and deserted. Now it's 2006 and you have the healing effects of a good friend in Stewart who makes you feel wanted and secure again. You can stay in the house and not run to the Moose every night and ENJOY it. You finished your first book just last night in YEARS. You used to read all the time. What happened to you?
The point is you have come to the pinnacle of healing from an old relationship and moving on with a new one, or even alone at this point. At the same time you found sleep without booze. This may not happen again. It's insidious and you may dodge the bullet if you drink once or twice but sooner or later it's right down the slide of alcoholism. You know in your heart that your body responds to alcohol in an unnatural way. Don't give it a chance to get you again because you never know when the roller coaster will end, maybe next time it will be at your death or life with a liver transplant.
You have established yourself with a healthy diet and a gym routine. You belong to clubs that don't drink. You can enjoy what you made of your home. It's yours now and no one else's. You can enjoy your privacy and your family. If you are lucky enough you may enjoy a new life with Stewart. Wouldn't it be a shame if you became a drunk again? He has no idea just how bad it was, only that you needed it to sleep and sometimes fell asleep on the couch. That enraged him. He's had problems with drunks. Don't fuck up and become one in front of his eyes.
But most of all don't kill your self and "just one" may be the start of the slippery slope. To Diane in the future re-reading this I beg you not to drink again. I want to live. This chance was more than two years in the making, maybe three if you count the cancer drunks. Don't fuck it up it may not come again. You've come a long way and it took so long don't go back there please. For me & for you. Never Again!
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