2:40 p.m. - 2006-02-09
Stress & Bacteria
Last night I went to the Toastmaster meeting and I snuck out early (guilt) and rushed home to see Lost (time pressure & drive too fast). I wanted a drink. I wanted a SMOKE! I was tense and wanted my old fall backs. Sucked but I got past it. It just goes to show how it's always lurking under the surface.
Too Tired, Too hungry, Too lonely
Always remember them plus my own personal trigger .. stress.
Oddly enough Jack asked me if anything had happened during the Superbowl to cause me to quit drinking. He had actually thought about it. Surprised me. I had hoped that he'd take it at face value. He's either very lonely or he cares. Maybe both.
That's another stress. Why do I lead him on like this? Why can't I let go of these past mother fuckers that I already rejected? It's not like they will ever be a hole card to me. I honestly don't want them in that way. I like them very much but I don't want them. I even told Jack that I'm with Stew but he hangs in there. It has to be lonely, not choice. I'm ten years older than him and he's a little strange. He sees his life very differently than I see his life and options.
But enough about him, this is for me. My Honest Place. I want to make sure that I mention that I reacted badly to stress and not being on "my schedule" caused it. I had to skip the gym and go to bed later than I wanted to because it took me longer to get tired and wind down because I started later.
But I want to remind myself that I woke up happy and feeling good and refreshed. I dreamed but I barely remember people flashing in an out of them. The livid dreams from when I first stopped drinking have all but stopped already. My eyes still have something going on that makes them react and tear in the morning. I haven't figured that out yet.
The morning diarrhea lasted for three days, today being the third. Maybe I need some acidophilus. My body is still whacked and out of bacterial balance at the very least. The PH may be off too. Maybe that's why I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis and Osteoarthritis. Maybe I can reverse them both. Truthfully I feel much stronger but I wish I could have got to the gym to continue to make myself feel good and encourage myself to continue. But duty calls and I must run to the Vet for Tracker's meds before the vet closes and then I'm too far away and it’s too late to hit the gym but I can do the rubber band thing strength training tonight during Idol.
All in all I feel good but am tired as my body tries to forgive me and heal. I've been taking the growth hormone precursors even though they expired 6 months ago. But it's the first time I intend to be sober a month since I bought them back when the Ex left Aug 2003. That's at least a two and a half year drunken binge. I might have killed myself without it to take me away though and in a real sense I was killing myself the cowards way out.
Boggles the mind. Thank You God for this day!
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