9:53 a.m. - 2006-02-10
4th Day
Thank God I am sober 4 days now. Thank God I have my mind coming back. I actually have to work at my job now. I just know God has given me a saving grace and just in time. I thank him every morning that I wake up sober for this miracle of a day.
I told my oldest daughter that I quit this morning. She is so wonderful and always knows exactly what to say. She acknowledged that the weekend would be hard which in turn acknowledges my accomplishment if I should succeed but pardons my humanity if I don't. No pressure whatsoever. No disappointment if I fail no premature joy if I succeed this first weekend. I have no real history of success yet. The airy yet sincere "Good Luck with that!" was perfect for someone as defensive as I am. But in truth it does give me another reason to succeed. I know she would be proud and grateful that I decided to try to live longer yet she totally handed my life over to me. It will be my success (with God's help) not her bitching that will count.
Whatever bacteria that lived in my eyes seems to have healed and left. I didn't have to reapply my eye makeup today. Yesterday was multiple times so maybe it's worse before it gets better. My eyes aren't crystal clear yet but the tannish rim around the bottom seems to have left. But they are still a bit grey or glazed like when you are sick. Yeah, no kidding.
I still have diarrhea and I guess I will need acidophilus to correct it in any meaningful amount of time. I'm still not 100% alert and I find that I am tired too early to go to sleep or I won't sleep all night. Ten is a good hour to fall asleep and I try to stay awake until then. I have made the bad habit of falling asleep to the TV the past two nights and I remember dreaming and making a mental note of what I dreamt but it's escaped me. I should try a recorder. After all I have one. Actually I need a voice activated one now that I probably no longer snore. That way I don't need to worry about powering it on too. I can just speak. But two out of the last 4 nights I have awoken at exactly 2:47AM.
I am hoping to get to bed at a reasonable time and to wake up when my body tells me to but I have the girls so that may not happen. Maybe Sunday.
I have lost an extra pound of what I believe is water this morning and although I drink a lot of water to swallow the fosamax and the hot rox I barely made it to work without peeing. I think much of the alcohol bloat is leaving me. My rings feel a little looser.
I received bad news from Stew this morning and he won't be coming over this weekend. At least I trust that I'm not going into an over emotional tirade when I get disappointed now. I can trust that my feelings are true and justified in a normal society now. That is a great feeling. I merely wished him luck and made other plans instead of yelling "YOU SOB!" But I'll be damned if I call him this weekend when he could have been with me. I suspect a health problem but so far he isn't honest with me. He wants to see me Valentines Day. Whatever.
The one thing I need to emphasize at this stage is the amount of sleep I seem to need. My body wants to heal and it heals during sleep. I am taking HG precursors hoping they help. I am skipping melatonin because I fall asleep just fine but if I take it I feel a bit sluggish, or at this point, more sluggish than usual. I want that day when I wake up with a smile on my face and bursting with energy. It's coming if I have faith and keep on keeping on. But it surprises me how many times I want to just cuddle up to a glass and feel good and then not care and no pain and forgetfulness and sleep. I can find peace a different way. It's a quick pill but a deadly one. My body still works, I don't need it.
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