2:51 p.m. - 2006-05-08
Not in Love
I kind of like A even though he isn't a handsome man. He's nice and damned helpful. He doesn't drink and I want to stop. He knows I took a call from a man yesterday and yet didn't ask me about it. I like interested but I don't like nosey. We've kissed. It's not bad.
Then on the other hand I have the poindexter I am meeting tonight. I'm sure he isn't helpful or handy but I could be wrong but most guys I meet with brains aren't tradesmen. But the very fact that I am dating them both tells me I'm not in love with either of them and I'm just hoping that one of them will grow on me enough to be like love if not the actual chemistry itself.
Now the last one and I had chemistry but apparently he didn't love me. I should have known the moment I couldn't understand the way he thought. He was too alien from me. Too different. The relationship became hurtful through no effort on either side because of constant misunderstandings.
Anyways I am hopeless when it comes to stopping drinking. I feel like I could now with A, maybe I can with poindexter too. He's been sober 16 years. That's a whole lot of sober. I get such hope when I see old people that maybe, just maybe, I can get there too if I stop drinking. Everything else about me seems to want to go the distance and now I have to get my brain on board too.
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